Saturday, June 14, 2008

Thursday, November 8, 2007

Wednesday, November 7, 2007

Marriage and Divorce

What does it mean when we say forever?

I think in this day and age that word is over-used to the point of almost being meaningless. Look at the divorce rate in our country. I have no room to talk, I am a part of that statistic.. Which even makes it that much worse. People do not give the institution of marriage nearly the respect it deserves.. It took me learning this the hard way to realize what a phenomenon it truly is. I think its to the point now where one in three marriages end in divorce? And off the top of my head I can name at least 10 that i know of that have ended in the past year.. And thats not even sitting down and making a list, thats just spouting off! That number is astronomical!

Where is the issue here? Why is this the case? How have we as a people allowed something as sacred as marriage to become so non-chalant? Is it because people are getting married for the wrong reasons? Because people are too weak to tough it out when things get tough? I think its a combination and then some.

Take the military for example.. The difference between the salary of a married and non-married soldier is over $1000 every month. I know a few that have or will get married just for that reason alone. Finalizing a divorce and then going to the courthouse three days later and marrying some other person, for convience. When I told him I was getting a divorce a friend of mine actually asked me if I wanted to do the very same thing!

Agreeing to marry someone is supposed to be the biggest form of trust and expression of love a human being can give. But how can we be so sure that we have the "one". I thought I did! Obviously I was wrong. As people grow and change sometimes things just dont work out, which is understandable... But how can two people realisticly expect to grow and change together if they have either A) only known eachother a short time, B) get married because of convinience or pregnancy or C) get drunk in vegas one night and think its the greatest idea ever?

When I said my vows I truly meant them with every fiber of my being, I thought he was my "soulmate" so to speak, 2 years later turns out he was not. And it took us 7 years to figure that out. So all you people out there, think about it... What is it going to take for americans and whoever else to realize that it is not to be taken lightly? I am not sure that I will ever marry again, never say never I know but the thought terrifies me. I do wish I had waited, but at the same time I will never regret my marriage. Its going to take someone really really special to get me to do it.

Me writting this blog probably wont change much, but if it makes one person stop and think about it, then its worth my time. The younger and younger people get married the worse our statistics will be. I just wish that this one thing could remain sacred in a society where it seems we have nothing else left.
Why is it that EVERY time you think you have finally moved on from something.. Its sneaks RIGHT back up to you from behind and knocks you right out of your seat?

I have come a long way this past year. Ive found out about an affair, a child brought of said atcions, seperated from my husband, half reconciled my marriage, completely lost myself, gotten a divorce, moved to a different state, started a new job, had a quarter-life crisis, been virtually stalked and harrassed over the DAMN internet, accused of ruining someones life, had that SAME someone ruin my life and trash my reality, started my very first HEALTHY reletionship, went back to school, got promoted, became a godmother, (twice) became a model, I've been betrayed, cheated on pissed on, snitched on, and hated on, but I am still here damn it.
You ever hear of that saying "what doesnt kill you only makes you stronger"? Well, if that is true than as God as my witness I am one bad bitch. I dont know why it has taken me so long, but I am finally ready to start a real life. Be it alone and all by myself, or with the people I love supporting me, either way I will make it. Sometimes I feel as though the odds are against me, and I have lost faith in everyone I know, or that maybe God has just given up on me.
Well, let him. Let everyone. Noone will stand in the way of me and what I need anymore, perhaps that is selfish, but everyone deserves to put themselves first sometimes. It has taken forever, and it could take even longer but dammit I WILL MAKE IT.

When you love someone you have to let them go, its a true test of devotion. If they come back then they love you to. No matter where time takes you, and however far you may drift from eachother, that love and devotion will always be there. When you need them most, they will come back to you. You cant mess with fate, I may not know who or what my fate is anymore.. But it is out there just waiting for me to find it. I used to think I knew my fate, but I am now doubting that. If time heals all wounds, then why do memories last forever? Why is there such a thing as bitterness and regret? How come people seek vengence with a passion that burns hotter than the fiery depths of hell?

Someone the other day asked me if I believe in God. Well, the answer is I dont know. My grandmother is probably turning in her grave as I type, however this is my truth. I like the idea of God, sure. I would like to think that there is such a thing as justice and karma and that people really do get what they deserve, but give me a break... This is goddamn 2007, noone gets what they give. The world simply has no room for that anymore, all we care about is money, that is truly what makes the world go around. Money can make you kill, cheat, steal, marry, lie, it is the root of all evil. Not drugs, not guns. Money. Green goddamned money. I am starting to consider myself a realist, its either that or I am beginning to be jaded. At 22, I am far too young to be that way.

Yet here I sit, with a strange sense of stabilty.. Pouring my heart out into this screen as if it were a window to my soul. When do the good get their just desserts? When do the victimized become the empowered? The poor become the rich? When do the meek inherite the Earth?

A rant...

WHY do people have to be so goddamn difficult? why can they not just come with an individual set of instructions that lets you know what they mean when they say things and what the fuck they are thinking when they do not? Why is it so hard to just tell the fuckin truth? And to do what you say your going to damned do? I just dont get it...

And on another note. Wouldnt life be so much easier if we could just pick who we do and do not care for? Why cant our brains just do all of the thinking like they are supposed to? How come they allow our hearts to push them around so fuckin much huh? Why? Emotions are both the best and the worst things we posess as human beings. They can make life totally worth while, and then just rip it apart in the very same day...

I hate the games. I dont play them, they are stupid, useless, pointless and over all just unnessesary in my opinion. I wish there were more people out there who felt the same way that I do. Your smart you know. And I am sure you know what I am talking about. In fact pretty much all of you that are reading this can relate to me in some way shape, form, or fashion. Im over this and over the bullshit.